“Struggling Doesn’t Make You A Bad Mother”: A Young Woman’s Story Of Teen Pregnancy, Mental Health & Self-Discovery

Amy Fraser, 22, with her daughter Violet. Photo: Cian Mortimer.

A young single mother shares her story of juggling love, education, motherhood, work, and mental health, all under the weight of society’s judgment. For her, becoming a mother at 19 didn’t mean life had to stop. It meant learning to fight for the future she still deserved.

At the age of 18 when her friends were focusing on getting the news of their A-Level results, Amy Fraser had her life shaken up dramatically with the news that she was carrying a child.

She said: “Initially, continuing the pregnancy wasn’t something I thought I was going to do, but it was still such a hard time because I was uncertain of what I wanted to do. I wasn’t in a stable relationship. I didn’t have a stable home. I just moved out from my parents.”

Despite the upheaval in her life Amy manged to get her education back on track, moving onto university after her gap year. Being a single mother alongside work and university has put Amy in a uniquely difficult situation compared to majority of students.

Amy acknowledged the struggles faced by people in her position, she said: “I think it does kind of put you in a different situation to everyone else, because everyone else I’ve spoken to or done group work with have part time jobs, but their spare time can be put towards studying. They can put it towards finishing off course work. I’ve found it quite difficult to find time to do that.”

“You’ve got to learn who you are as a person, process your own emotions, process your own feelings, sexuality, everything.”

Usually, a person’s late teens are a time where they come to terms with their identity in many ways, and find their path in life. However, in Amy’s case she also had to balance the responsibilities, expectations, and stigmas associated with young motherhood.

Amy said: “You’ve got to learn who you are as a person, process your own emotions, process your own feelings, sexuality, everything. Putting into that, also bringing up another person and adapting to such a massive life moment is quite a lot. I think it does kind of put a pause on understanding yourself and growing up yourself.”

She added: “Nobody really wants anything to do with you, people come and visit you to see your child. People are texting you, ‘how’s the baby?’. I feel like you are just a shell of yourself initially, and I think it takes a lot of time to feel like yourself again. To society, you are just a mother, but I think people have got to realize that you’re a mother, but you’re also a person. Motherhood doesn’t mean your life has to stop.”

Photo: Pexels.

There is also a certain level of societal expectations and judgement that comes along with young motherhood. A person’s youth is a time for exploring their sexuality, however, young mothers are often expected to put these aspects of their lives on hold.

Amy said: “Once you’ve had a child, I don’t think people recognize that you can still be fluid in your sexuality. I think people kind of view you as you’ve had a child, so you like men, that’s what that’s what you’re for, that’s what you need to stick with, sort of thing. I think getting out of that was quite difficult, and it definitely took a while to accept that and realize that this idealistic family life really doesn’t it really doesn’t need to be that way.”

“You’re not allowed to you’re not allowed to say that you’re struggling.”

A study from the National Institute of Health found that nearly half of pregnant women would try to their mental health issues. This stigma around pregnant women and mothers suffering from mental health issues is something which Amy experienced first-hand.

She said “It’s quite a taboo subject for a mother to be struggling, or to struggle with their mental health, or to even not enjoy the first few months of parenthood. I think it’s so taboo and a topic that isn’t spoken about near enough, because I think as soon as you become a mother, society has these expectations of it being perfect.”

“You’re not allowed to you’re not allowed to say that you’re struggling. You’re not allowed to say that, you know, have I done the right thing because you meant to be so happy?”

She added: “It needs to be spoken about more in the sense of struggling doesn’t make you a bad mother, and you can still reach out and get help without this fear of ‘my child’s gonna get taken off me’ or ‘people are gonna think I’m unfit’. It’s not that at all, it’s just obviously a really hard time and such a massive change in your life.”

Photo: Pexels

For Amy in particular it was difficult time, not just because of everything that had happened to her but also due to the Covid-19 pandemic. This really compounded her sense of isolation.

Amy said: “COVID was a massive factor during that. Going from socializing every day to just being in the house for what was it, at least four months, not really talking to anyone. I think that took a massive toll on me”.

“You’re not an unfit mother, if you’ve got mental health issues, and it’s definitely something you need to talk about and not bottle up.”

It was also a difficult time for Amy’s loved on seeing her go through so much at such a young age. He mother, Maria, said: “When I first found out Amy was pregnant, I wasn’t surprised to be honest. I expected it, I think I could read the situation. I was, however, worried how she would cope or what decision she would make.

“The toughest part was maybe the time she wouldn’t get out of bed and care for herself. The birth was also hard, watching your child of 19 give birth. It was lovely and an absolute honour to be there, but tough.”

Reflecting on her own tumultuous journey so far at such a young age, Amy offered up her advice for other young mothers in the same boat as her.

She said: “A lot of mothers think that their life is over when they have a child, and I think you you’re bound to think that initially. But I’d like people to take from this that it’s not the case, and you can reach out for help if you’re struggling. You’re not an unfit mother, if you’ve got mental health issues, and it’s definitely something you need to talk about and not bottle up.”

Amy Fraser. Photo: Cian Mortimer