“She Was Such A Light” Why St Cuthbert’s Hospice Durham Needs Your Help: Paul and Kay’s Story

“I didn’t just love her, I absolutely adored her,” Paul O’Neill says of his late wife, Kay.

Hospices across the UK are facing a financial crisis, and St Cuthbert’s Hospice in Durham is no exception. As someone with a personal connection to this vital place, I spoke to Paul, a Durham man, about his experience and why supporting hospices like St Cuthbert’s is so important.

On May 1st, 2023, Paul O’Neill, 62, lost the love of his life at St Cuthbert’s Hospice. A semi-retired children’s cycling teacher, Paul met Kay through a website called Dating for Parents. He fondly recalled the memory of their first date.

“We went for a meal, and we ended up getting kicked out of the restaurant at 11 o’clock at night,” he said. “So it was instant.”

He added: “We both found out what real love was like.”

Paul and Kay. (Image credit: Paul O’Neill)

Paul and Kay were together for 18 years and had been married for 15. In March 2020, Kay was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. After “two good years”, they found out that it had returned and spread to her bowel. When they returned from chemotherapy on April 15th, 2023, she said: “If this doesn’t work on this occasion you have to promise to let me go.” Two days later, she was admitted to St Cuthbert’s Hospice and sadly passed away after two and a half weeks.

On December 11th, 2024, St Cuthbert’s Hospice announced that they are facing the threat of redundancies and vital service closures due to financial pressures. I interviewed Paul about Kay’s time in the Hospice and his ongoing support for them, which is particularly crucial at this difficult time.

When asked about his experience with the staff at St Cuthbert’s, Paul recalled the attentiveness they displayed. He said: “From the lady who did the maintenance, who did the cleaning, to the consultant, they all knew my name.” The staff went the extra mile to make Paul as comfortable as possible by making up a bed for him, allowing him to remain by Kay’s side.

He added: “They never came out and said ‘how are you doing’ because they knew exactly how I was doing. The question that they asked was, ‘is there anything I can do for you?’”

At Kay’s funeral, Paul based his Eulogy on one particular experience with the staff. The day after Kay was admitted to the Hospice, a consultant introduced herself, explaining that she’d be helping to look after her. After telling the consultant about her wild water swimming and the fact that she still gave Microsoft Teams lessons during lockdown, despite going through chemotherapy, the consultant asked Kay if she could come back after work for a personal chat. When she came back, she told Kay that she was writing a book about positivity and asked Kay for an interview due to her positive outlook on life.

During his Eulogy, Paul said: “You are all here because you know and you love Kay and you know the type of person she is, but this was a consultant who had spoken to Kay for 15 minutes and established what a wonderful, powerful, motivational person she actually was.”

He added: “She was such a light, she was a beacon and people were naturally drawn to her – that was her personality.”

As Kay was a special educational needs teacher at St Michael’s Catholic Primary School in Houghton-le-Spring, on the anniversary of her birthday, Paul arranged to have a bench placed at the school. Moreover, on the anniversary of her passing, he did a walk that they used to enjoy together, raising £700 for St Cuthbert’s. Though it started off with 10-12 close friends and family, it soon grew in popularity and around 40 people ended up joining them. For his next fundraising event, Paul is doing the Boxing Day dip at Seaburn. All donations will go to the Hospice.

Kay’s bench at St Michael’s Catholic Primary School, Houghton-le-Spring. (Image credit: Paul O’Neill)

I asked Paul if there was anything that he would say to young people, to encourage them to support St Cuthbert’s. He replied: “You never know what’s going to happen in your life and if you’re that way inclined, pick up the phone or find someone to contact within the hospice because they will always get back in touch with you and they’ll spend time with you.”

He added: “If people go and see that the end-of-life section within the Hospice is not doom and gloom […] you’ll feel the care, you’ll feel the emotion, you’ll feel the fact that these people are so devoted to maintaining the dignity of these people who are going through the worst period in their life.”

In August 2016, I experienced this kindness first-hand when my mam was taken to the Hospice for her final days, having spent years battling with breast cancer and then secondary cancer.

On my 13th birthday, my family and I went to visit her. When we arrived, I found that the staff had gone out of their way to buy me a cake and decorate the room. This day was the last positive memory I have of my mam before her health fully deteriorated. She passed away just 3 days later, at the age of 43. On the day we said goodbye to her, I can recall how the nurses also gave my sister and I fruit pastel ice lollies. Though this was a simple act, it was meaningful.

Eight years later, our family still remembers and won’t ever forget the genuine compassion that the staff showed not only towards my mam, but towards our whole family. They went above and beyond to look after us, not just out of duty, but out of the kindness of their hearts.

(Image credit: Paul O’Neill)

Although end-of-life care is a huge part of the Hospice, Jade McArdle, Community and Events Manager stressed: “Hospice care is so much more than death and dying.” Whilst she noted that they have their In-patient Unit, she highlighted that the Hospice provides a range of other services, including family/bereavement support teams, which people are still able to access years after losing someone.

Moreover, she mentioned the Hospice’s Living Well Centre. This supports people with life-limiting conditions by helping them to manage their symptoms and get the most out of their life. They host various activities, offer physical and mental therapies and provide a place to relax and connect with others in similar situations.

Jade said: “There’s a lot of stigma associated with the Hospice as well, I have numerous different conversations with people who feel that it’s a really sad place to be and question why you would want to work there but actually it’s nothing like that at all, when you come into the doors at reception, it is a place filed with love and filled with life and I think we’re just so lucky to be able to come into work to do something that we really feel proud of and to know that we are making a difference.”

Erin Wright, Community Fundraiser at the Hospice discussed their Everything in Place project. This involves openly talking about the practical and emotional side of things when you die. The aim is to undermine the taboo surrounding conversations about death and dying by allowing people to prepare for their future by discussing their funeral and will arrangements, power of attorney and more.

To continue providing its In-Patient services, the Hospice may need to reduce other important services. 28 members of staff are also at risk of losing their jobs. To stop this happening, the Hospice must raise £1.3m.

Mary Kelly Foy, Labour MP for the City of Durham, wrote to the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care. She pleaded: “The Department must urgently step in and help St Cuthbert’s. It matters to the patients, their families, the staff, and the community in the City of Durham.”

Paul and I are just two of the many people in Durham whose lives have been touched by St Cuthbert’s Hospice. His story not only pays testament to his amazing wife and the love he has for her, but it also demonstrates the unique care that St Cuthbert’s provides. If action has to be taken, a valuable support network will be lost and countless lives will be affected. To prevent this happening, there is an urgent need for support.

For more information about the recent announcement, click here.

To donate to St Cuthbert’s Hospice, click here.