Life In-between

Photography by Julia Bełz

There are many stages in life where it can feel like you’re not exactly going anywhere. University is one of those stages for me. As much as I’m working towards something, that thing being my Journalism degree, I feel very stuck. Sometimes it feels like I’m not really doing anything, I’m only waiting around to get the one thing so I can go further. What else is there to do?

This could just be me. My mum would always tell me that I never wanted to be a child, I always wanted the next big thing, I wanted to be a grown-up. She always told me I would regret not enjoying my childhood in its entirety, but I don’t. If anything, I still wish to be older. I’d asked a fellow student, Dylan Hewis, how he felt on the subject of a quarter-life crisis to see if it is just me. Then I realised it’s not. He said: “I feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like I should be doing more, but I don’t know what else there is to do.”

At every stage in my life, when I finally thought I’d be happy at that age, it’s never been enough. When I was a teenager, I thought when I was 16 and I’d done my GCSEs, I’d be happy. Then I thought when I can drive, I’ll be happy. Maybe 18, legally an adult, that’ll do it. I’ll start university, that must do something for me? None of these achievements ever felt enough. If anything, they just feel like a tick off a list. Now my head tells me that I need to graduate to be content. Will I be though?

I do think that my desperate need for the next thing does in fact drive me towards it. But when all I can do right now is work towards my degree, I just feel in-between. Things don’t feel like they click until you get the thing you’re working towards. I don’t know if it’ll always be this way; I couldn’t tell you until it happens. Writing helps me. As a journalism student, I believe that by consistently writing, I should be consistently getting better and consistently working towards my degree, even when my writing isn’t assignment-related. Practice makes perfect.

People are trained to better themselves; nurtured into never being happy with what we’ve got. We always want something more, something better. Whether this be, a dream job, a promotion, or a degree. This ideology has been cemented into our brains since childhood. When you learn to crawl, you’d rather walk. When you can walk, you’d rather run. It’s the same thing, just at an adult level.

As much as I’d love to be satisfied with my university life, studying the craft so I can be the best I can be, this never-ending black hole of possibilities swirling round my head is just too overpowering. I think I’ll always feel in-between. I’ve learned to accept my need for bigger things. I’ve learned to twist the black hole into a brighter light of determination. Slowly, but surely, I won’t feel so in-between.